So, it has been awhile since I've posted. Blame my scattered mind, my silly children who insist on my attention (the nerve!), and my anxiety about even starting this topic because I am not sure I can do it justice or really explain well what I mean. But I'm going to try.
Have you ever felt like your life is a train and you have totally jumped the rails and are living some alternative life? I'm not talking about regrets. Everyone has regrets - that is just the way life is, and sometimes those regrets are small and sometimes they are HUGE - but a regret-free life is impossible. No, what I am talking about is well, direction, I guess. To explain, I am going to have to delve into the personal.
When I was a young teenager, it felt like my life was on track. I had a happy childhood, in a small town. We lived with my grandmother, my best friend lived next door, we walked to school, rode bikes all over, knew almost everyone. If I could give my kids my childhood, or something similar, I would. I hope to do so, as well as I can, since it is a different time and a different society.
I was 13, so I didn't know what track my life would be (although I had a general idea: high school, college, marriage, kids, things like that). My mother was finally home and healed (mostly) from an illness I'd rather not go into but that kept her in and out of our house and day-to-day lives for at least a year. Things were good. I had best friends, hobbies, a brand new niece to spoil....
When I turned 15, my parents divorced. Now that I am an adult, I realize they must have been unhappy for a long time, but of course, I was oblivious as a child. But it came out of left-field for me. It was a shock, and I didn't deal with it in a very healthy way. Basically, I sucked in all negative emotions, put on a happy "we'll get through this face" and didn't deal with anything. My sister and I lived with our dad, our mom stayed in our childhood home and we visited often, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't ideal. It wasn't as happy. But it worked, and I adjusted, and moved on, and learned that it could be happy.
When I was 17, my mother died.
And ever since I was a teenager, my life has felt like it has been completely off the tracks. That isn't to say that I am unhappy. I am very happy. My husband is fantastic. My kids are wonderful and I love them dearly. I have a good education that I will put to use (more than I already do) when they go to school full-time and don't need me as much. I have good friends, including my best friends from childhood, and I am making new friends. My family, though far away, is awesome (especially my sisters) I am happy about where I live. Things aren't perfect, of course, but I have a good life and I am grateful.
But sometimes, I feel like it is the WRONG life. Like a long, long time ago my train jumped the tracks and I am living in a completely different direction. Sometimes, I think if I turn my head I will see another track with a train, running parallel to mine, but also my life. It doesn't happen often, but enough that I know I need to hug my kids, hug my husband, go for a run, read a happy book - something to bring me back into focus. I get this weird feeling, kind of like deja vu, but not exactly. Maybe all I am feeling is adulthood and the responsibilities that come with it - the feeling like 'this isn't what I imagined being an adult - being a wife and a mother - would be like.' I honestly have no idea. But I thought, if I wrote about it, maybe someone would comment and say "Yes! I feel that way too sometimes!" Or "No, you are completely crazy. Consider therapy." Or maybe, it's just good writing practice and something I needed to get out of my head.
Cheers readers. As always, comments are encouraged and welcomed.
