Hagus and Lightbulbs: December 2015

"I think I want to have another baby."

I am pretty sure I said this to my husband this soon after our second (and last) baby reached his first birthday. He looked at me like I was crazy.

"Seriously? Don't you remember how miserable you were while you were pregnant with Homer aka Fruitman?" *

"Yeah, I know. But I just....I don't know. It doesn't feel like I'm 'done.' "

"Well, I don't think I could do it. Maybe if we were guaranteed one that was easy-going and would sleep...but even then, I just don't think I have it in me."

"Well, it's probably just hormones. Or one of those, "oh, they'll never be this little again!" type of things."

I let the subject drop. But day by day, as my baby grew up to be a toddler, and my preschooler did better and better at school and progressed in her goals in speech therapy....I kept wondering. Am I really done?

I have close friends with only one child. I have friends with more than three children. I could ask any of them advice, but I wasn't sure I wanted to bring it up. I had very emphatically told people that I was "two and through." (Yes, yes, I know - that whole "you make plans, the universe laughs" quote). I want to know how those with 3 or more children do it. There are some days (not many, but some) where I feel like the two I have are too much for me, and perhaps I should have just collected fish. Or rocks. I'm sure it's much easier to keep rocks happy, fed, and you don't have to pay for college.

I want to know how people decide these things. What is that 'feeling done' feeling? Is it like contentment? If you aren't done, does it feel like indigestion? (I'm being facetious, but I really want to know).

Financially and emotionally, right now, a third child would put us over the edge. The sleep deprivation, the amount of money spent on diapers and food (and baby gear - we'd need a lot of it all over again, because remember, I was sure about the "two and through" thing and sold or gave away all of it....Universe laughing as we speak).

But someday....a third baby might be nice. Someone else to love. To watch grow up and explore the world. A little girl or boy to exchange those glances over (you know the ones I mean - when they do something especially heartwarming or sweet or funny, and you glance at your partner and just smile in knowing...those are GREAT moments). Of course, then we come up against the time barrier of someday. I am not in my early 30s anymore. My husband is approaching 40. Kids require energy and endurance, something we are losing rapidly. My oldest has a developmental delay that requires special therapy and is getting better, but the progress is slooowww and another baby might take too much of my time, time she needs.

But as the days go by, and while I sometimes long for a third baby, those feelings settle into a calm, two is enough and is, in fact, perfect. I have two arms and can hold them both at the same time. I think about how it's getting easier (as everyone said it would) as they get older. The preschooler can help me with things. The toddler is a joy (it's my favorite age so far, despite the tantrums). We can see an end to the sleepless nights which makes things so much more stressful. I can go back to work part-time (assuming I can find a job that will fit parenthood into their schedule). So I guess that's the feeling of being "done?" Just a calm acceptance? Then I'm good. And I'd better check the birth control, since I'm sure the universe is just waiting for a night of debauchery to laugh at me for accepting and even being HAPPY to only have two kids.

* Names are not real. Yes, I am sure.

Hagus and Lightbulbs

Monday, December 14, 2015

Link Love

Thursday, December 3, 2015

How I'm Finding Peace with Only Two Children