Hagus and Lightbulbs

Saturday, January 23, 2016

That Third Kid...

Remember how I said I was definitely finding peace with only having two kids?

http://www.hagusandlightbulbs.blogspot.com/2015/12/how-im-finding-peace-with-only-two.html

Anyway, I keep going round and round on the third baby thing. Mainly, I think, because a lot of my friends on Facebook are either HAVING babies or just HAD a baby and a ton of newborn pictures makes my biological clock start dinging again. This is just me - to get my husband on board I'd have to win the lottery or write a bestseller so we could hire a nanny or a maid (or a grandmother - can you do that? Hire a loving grandmother to come over and take the kids to the park and be interfering by cleaning your house)?

Last night, my husband and I were stupid enough to stay up late watching a new series (shout out to Penny Dreadful, because despite the vampire-centric theme, I love anything from literature and history, even if it IS sensational). Clearly, we should know better. We're not newbies, after all. But we did - we stayed up until midnight. I can hear all of you parents tsk-tsk-ing us and shaking your head. "How stupid can you be? Don't you know that you are tempting fate?!" they are screaming at me, much like the audience of a horror movie is screaming "Don't go in there, you idiot! You clearly deserve to die; you're so stupid, that is OBVIOUSLY the house of a deranged serial killer!"

We got 2 hours of sleep and then our oldest woke up and decided she had slept enough. My husband dealt with it and snuggled into bed with her to make her feel better (we assume it was a bad dream and not her trying to drive us into an insane asylum - just makes us feel better as parents). At 4 am, she peed the bed, and I got woken up by a treatise on how he needed to take a shower because he was covered in pee (only it was a far more colorful rant). So I got up, got her snuggled up with me on the couch and sent him back to bed. She fell right back to sleep and I managed 45 minutes before the toddler-who-won't-stop-nursing woke up. I sneaked up, nursed him, stuck him back in the crib and stuck his monitor in with my husband for the fun of dealing with the nurser, and went back downstairs to spend a few more hours trying to sleep and get comfortable on the floor next to the couch (there was no way in HELL I was going to chance waking her up to get back on the couch - I'm stupid, not suicidal). She was quite happy to keep sleeping until 7:30, which is late for her. But then, it had been a busy night.

The boys slept until nearly 9 and then I practically kicked them all out of the house so I could write a blog post about it.

A new baby would kill us. This is a rare occurrence nowadays and quite frankly, we like the sleep. Sure, the toddler won't stop nursing and is almost two but I'm cutting him off any day now and he doesn't wake up all the time anyway. And she hasn't had an accident at night for weeks - clearly, having dad in the bed was just too good an opportunity to pass up. All dads have to have a 'I got peed on in my sleep' story for later on, when the kid is in college and needs to be humbled.

So yeah. No more babies. Commence laughing now.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Random Post People

Some self promotion:

On January 16 (Sunday) my post was accepted and published on ScaryMommy.com. Please, check it out. The title is Yummies With Pink: How It Feels Having a 3 Year Old With a Speech Delay. The link is here:

http://www.scarymommy.com/developmental-delay/

I'm working on several posts in for the next few days and apologize that I haven't written before now. Of course, I'm not entirely sure anyone is actually reading....

So, check back in a few days and sorry for the lame post.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Annoying Motherhood Memes

Is anyone else over the whole "moms can't shower" meme yet? I posted on Facebook that it's a wonder I am clean at all, considering I had two kids in three years and am a SAHM mom. I got back a ton of responses, all agreeing with me. Apparently, it's not lack of hygiene, it's that these babies can't ever be put down, even if you got the amazingly, wonderful swing/bouncy seat/car seat or wonderfully soft playmat/blanket. They never sleep, even for a few minutes?

I don't know if this is part of the growth in extreme attachment parenting or if I am just doing this whole parenting thing wrong (probably). But I have ALWAYS been able to shower. Sometimes, I showered with my baby, which was a mistake but very, very sweet - you don't get as clean but the skin to skin is delicious. Sometimes, that baby screamed while I had him/her in the bouncy seat and it felt like I was being held hostage...or maybe the shower itself was "I'll let you shower, but I'm screaming through it." When I had a toddler and a newborn, the toddler had toys and the newborn was in the bouncy seat. Or the crib. Or the playpen. Seriously, there are so many baby containment devices, I don't see how you can't at least TRY to use them all. Also, books and Elmo (hey, she'd turned 2 and tv was finally allowed!)

I realize that not everyone has a partner there every day to help them out (they travel, are deployed, are assholes who don't help with the children at all, whatever). But there is NEVER a time in your day, even the exhausted first days home as a new parent, when you could take a short shower?! It's get wet, shampoo, soap off, rinse. My fastest shower was literally 2 minutes long. I might even be rounding UP a bit. I can't imagine how GROSS that would feel. Especially after giving birth and having the longest period of your life happening - you need cleanliness at that time! Or how hypocritical I would feel if I tried to keep the kids clean and then didn't demonstrate that mommy needs to be clean too.

I can't be the only one that thinks this meme should die, so that new mothers don't get an unrealistic view that they can't ever take even two minutes for themselves or put the baby down long enough to maintain basic hygiene.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Kids Birthday Parties

My oldest turned four last weekend. FOUR! I don't know exactly how it happened. She's potty trained and everything! (Wait, does it count as potty trained if the only place she can actually go potty is at home or school, usually only on her own little toddler potty at home - mad holding skills actually; and will not step foot in a public restroom at any point, even if the only person using it is washing their hands? I'm going to say yes).

We waited to have the party until her best friend came home from a winter break trip. The theme was Doc McStuffins. I am pretty sure I lost points because I didn't have any planned Doc McStuffins-themed games for the kids to play. I DID set up a 'doctor's table' where they could use our pretend doctor's bag and heal sick animals. I mean, I did give it SOME effort. There were also Doc McStuffins themed coloring pages that I tacked up on a board and provided stickers and crayons to color. I'm not a total weirdo or anything.

The kids were quite thrilled with the cake. I did NOT make it myself in tiers, with different colors based on the character that was painted on each layer with edible paint (You're ruining it for the rest of it, Pinterest-moms, and I say that as someone who is addicted to Pinterest)! I ordered it from Kroger and decorated it myself however. They used pink and purple frosting and I very lovingly added the figurines. It WAS difficult - do you know how hard it is to add figurines from a preschoolers toy collection without them wanting to play with them?! Of COURSE I re-purposed toys we already had. I care about the environment, after all!

But not enough to skip the favors bags. I gave out kazoos that I am pretty sure don't actually work (you're welcome parents - this was a total accident, but I am going to take credit because I bought them and then realized that kazoos would make the other parents hate me). They also had little figurines (imagination is a beautiful thing - they can use them to play with their other toys). And ribbon dancers, which are awesome even for adults (my husband and I danced around after our two kids zonked out in sugar comas, whipping the ribbons around and acting like idiots).

Quite frankly, it was a lot of work for an hour and a half of a preschool-class worth of kids running around screaming and playing with toys, but there were only fights from my two kids (siblings apparently suck, despite the fact that they are supposed to be BEST! FRIENDS!). I call it a success, especially because I heard numerous times that this was "the best cake I ever had!" The best party I've been to!" and "Thank you mommy, thank you!" Preschoolers are a compliment-filled lot, and very loving. It makes it all worthwhile. Kids - they know exactly what to say to make sure they get invited back for more cake-filled days.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Thursday, December 3, 2015

How I'm Finding Peace with Only Two Children

"I think I want to have another baby."

I am pretty sure I said this to my husband this soon after our second (and last) baby reached his first birthday. He looked at me like I was crazy.

"Seriously? Don't you remember how miserable you were while you were pregnant with Homer aka Fruitman?" *

"Yeah, I know. But I just....I don't know. It doesn't feel like I'm 'done.' "

"Well, I don't think I could do it. Maybe if we were guaranteed one that was easy-going and would sleep...but even then, I just don't think I have it in me."

"Well, it's probably just hormones. Or one of those, "oh, they'll never be this little again!" type of things."

I let the subject drop. But day by day, as my baby grew up to be a toddler, and my preschooler did better and better at school and progressed in her goals in speech therapy....I kept wondering. Am I really done?

I have close friends with only one child. I have friends with more than three children. I could ask any of them advice, but I wasn't sure I wanted to bring it up. I had very emphatically told people that I was "two and through." (Yes, yes, I know - that whole "you make plans, the universe laughs" quote). I want to know how those with 3 or more children do it. There are some days (not many, but some) where I feel like the two I have are too much for me, and perhaps I should have just collected fish. Or rocks. I'm sure it's much easier to keep rocks happy, fed, and you don't have to pay for college.

I want to know how people decide these things. What is that 'feeling done' feeling? Is it like contentment? If you aren't done, does it feel like indigestion? (I'm being facetious, but I really want to know).

Financially and emotionally, right now, a third child would put us over the edge. The sleep deprivation, the amount of money spent on diapers and food (and baby gear - we'd need a lot of it all over again, because remember, I was sure about the "two and through" thing and sold or gave away all of it....Universe laughing as we speak).

But someday....a third baby might be nice. Someone else to love. To watch grow up and explore the world. A little girl or boy to exchange those glances over (you know the ones I mean - when they do something especially heartwarming or sweet or funny, and you glance at your partner and just smile in knowing...those are GREAT moments). Of course, then we come up against the time barrier of someday. I am not in my early 30s anymore. My husband is approaching 40. Kids require energy and endurance, something we are losing rapidly. My oldest has a developmental delay that requires special therapy and is getting better, but the progress is slooowww and another baby might take too much of my time, time she needs.

But as the days go by, and while I sometimes long for a third baby, those feelings settle into a calm, two is enough and is, in fact, perfect. I have two arms and can hold them both at the same time. I think about how it's getting easier (as everyone said it would) as they get older. The preschooler can help me with things. The toddler is a joy (it's my favorite age so far, despite the tantrums). We can see an end to the sleepless nights which makes things so much more stressful. I can go back to work part-time (assuming I can find a job that will fit parenthood into their schedule). So I guess that's the feeling of being "done?" Just a calm acceptance? Then I'm good. And I'd better check the birth control, since I'm sure the universe is just waiting for a night of debauchery to laugh at me for accepting and even being HAPPY to only have two kids.

* Names are not real. Yes, I am sure.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Controversial?...perhaps

So anyone who knows me, knows that I was anti-choice (pro-life) until college. *cue Fundamentalists lamenting women going to college and becoming evil feminazis out to destroy everything and hate on babies*

Becoming pro-choice is a different post. Perhaps one I'll write in the future. But today, I want to get some hate mail from pro-choicers. I know, I know. Getting hate mail from someone when it involves abortion is too easy. What can I say? I like to know I'll achieve my goals.

Here it is. My big confession. I don't hate 20-week abortion bans. Before I immediately get vilified and my pro-choice credentials tarnished, I want to explain that I don't HATE them, when they're done properly. And that means there are a whole lot of caveats. Please, please, note that I said that they have to be done PROPERLY....if you aren't going to read, please don't vilify.

The Caveats:

1) Free and widely available high reliable birth control (chosen by a woman in consultation with a medical professional)

2) Comprehensive sex education so people will know all about #1, as well as things like 'yes means yes' consent, laws against rape, rape culture, etc. (this is known as abstinence-plus programs, for those who feel more comfortable burying their heads in the sand and pretending that if we don't talk about it, young adults won't have sex...excuse me while I go and roll around on the floor laughing my head off)

3) Widely available, affordable abortion care - including all insurance plans, Medicare and other government programs

4) Easily obtained late-term abortions for fetal abnormalities/fetal pain/death upon delivery or maternal health - if the woman wants one and it's indicated in some way, medically, I want her to be able to have one - and not have to jump through a thousand hoops

* Because of number 1-3 we shouldn't HAVE late term abortions for things like restrictions on time, wait limits, legal loopholes, etc. So if a woman finds out she's pregnant she doesn't have to jump through a million hoops to get an early abortion - it's available where she lives (not thousands of miles away) with a good doctor (preferable her family doctor or OB-GYN, but Planned Parenthood has some great doctors), and is covered by insurance/Medicare. And she can then get the affordable, highly reliable birth control if she wants it because she will know all about it thanks to #2.

This is a pipe-dream. It's very similar to what they have in a lot of countries in Europe (not that anti-choicers will acknowledge that when they start arguing that liberal Europe has some abortion bans). So before I get jumped on, just know, this is an unrealistic dream but one I hope will happen as more people THINK about things.

Not a lot of people (I can't think of any) really LIKE abortions. Especially late-term abortions. I, personally, really, really hate the idea. I've been pregnant twice. It's made me double down on my pro-choice stance, but it also made me extremely sensitive to what is happening during a pregnancy during the later stages. Most especially what medical science can do when an early delivery happens. If they can survive outside the womb (notice I didn't say, survive but then die a few minutes or hours later, in great pain because of a fetal anomaly), they deserve something. Some respect. Some kind of right to life. I'd actually prefer 24 weeks abortion bans because that's when micro-preemies have a better chance to live. Obviously, it needs to be up to a woman. She's the one who has to decide, based on the information. But I do believe that at a certain point in the pregnancy (and the Supreme Court backs me up) there is an interest in the fetus and its growing rights. (Growing rights - they aren't all conferred at once upon conception).

Unfortunately, I live in the U.S. where science is suspect and right-wing politicians somehow manage to keep winning at the polls. And without all those caveats I listed? - Well, I'm going to have to be "for" (if that's what we call it) very reluctantly, late term abortions for reasons that are NOT medical/science reasons.

What's sad is that I think most Americans might agree with me, if they had a chance to lay it all out on the table and write their own laws to be implemented. Somehow, we just keep getting screwed over.