Monday, December 14, 2015

Link Love

I thought I would start a new feature on this blog and start posting links  to various articles and blog posts that I have come upon throughout the week (or month). Feel free to share your own links as well! The more the merrier and all that. Enjoy!!!


Favorite Blogs to Read Lately
LoveJoyFeminism
 
Feminism
Fight Slut Shaming


Parenting 
Narcissists and Home Birth

Holiday 
Telling the Kids the Truth About Santa

Santa Claus: The Ultimate Dry Run



Thursday, December 3, 2015

How I'm Finding Peace with Only Two Children


"I think I want to have another baby."

I am pretty sure I said this to my husband this soon after our second (and last) baby reached his first birthday. He looked at me like I was crazy.

"Seriously? Don't you remember how miserable you were while you were pregnant with Homer aka Fruitman?" *

"Yeah, I know. But I just....I don't know. It doesn't feel like I'm 'done.' "

"Well, I don't think I could do it. Maybe if we were guaranteed one that was easy-going and would sleep...but even then, I just don't think I have it in me."

"Well, it's probably just hormones. Or one of those, "oh, they'll never be this little again!" type of things."

I let the subject drop. But day by day, as my baby grew up to be a toddler, and my preschooler did better and better at school and progressed in her goals in speech therapy....I kept wondering. Am I really done?

I have close friends with only one child. I have friends with more than three children. I could ask any of them advice, but I wasn't sure I wanted to bring it up. I had very emphatically told people that I was "two and through." (Yes, yes, I know - that whole "you make plans, the universe laughs" quote). I want to know how those with 3 or more children do it. There are some days (not many, but some) where I feel like the two I have are too much for me, and perhaps I should have just collected fish. Or rocks. I'm sure it's much easier to keep rocks happy, fed, and you don't have to pay for college.

I want to know how people decide these things. What is that 'feeling done' feeling? Is it like contentment? If you aren't done, does it feel like indigestion? (I'm being facetious, but I really want to know).

Financially and emotionally, right now, a third child would put us over the edge. The sleep deprivation, the amount of money spent on diapers and food (and baby gear - we'd need a lot of it all over again, because remember, I was sure about the "two and through" thing and sold or gave away all of it....Universe laughing as we speak).

But someday....a third baby might be nice. Someone else to love. To watch grow up and explore the world. A little girl or boy to exchange those glances over (you know the ones I mean - when they do something especially heartwarming or sweet or funny, and you glance at your partner and just smile in knowing...those are GREAT moments). Of course, then we come up against the time barrier of someday. I am not in my early 30s anymore. My husband is approaching 40. Kids require energy and endurance, something we are losing rapidly. My oldest has a developmental delay that requires special therapy and is getting better, but the progress is slooowww and another baby might take too much of my time, time she needs.

But as the days go by, and while I sometimes long for a third baby, those feelings settle into a calm, two is enough and is, in fact, perfect. I have two arms and can hold them both at the same time. I think about how it's getting easier (as everyone said it would) as they get older. The preschooler can help me with things. The toddler is a joy (it's my favorite age so far, despite the tantrums). We can see an end to the sleepless nights which makes things so much more stressful. I can go back to work part-time (assuming I can find a job that will fit parenthood into their schedule). So I guess that's the feeling of being "done?" Just a calm acceptance? Then I'm good. And I'd better check the birth control, since I'm sure the universe is just waiting for a night of debauchery to laugh at me for accepting and even being HAPPY to only have two kids.










* Names are not real. Yes, I am sure.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Controversial?...perhaps

So anyone who knows me, knows that I was anti-choice (pro-life) until college. *cue Fundamentalists lamenting women going to college and becoming evil feminazis out to destroy everything and hate on babies*

Becoming pro-choice is a different post. Perhaps one I'll write in the future. But today, I want to get some hate mail from pro-choicers. I know, I know. Getting hate mail from someone when it involves abortion is too easy. What can I say? I like to know I'll achieve my goals.

Here it is. My big confession. I don't hate 20-week abortion bans. Before I immediately get vilified and my pro-choice credentials tarnished, I want to explain that I don't HATE them, when they're done properly. And that means there are a whole lot of caveats. Please, please, note that I said that they have to be done PROPERLY....if you aren't going to read, please don't vilify.

The Caveats:

1) Free and widely available high reliable birth control (chosen by a woman in consultation with a medical professional)

2) Comprehensive sex education so people will know all about #1, as well as things like 'yes means yes' consent, laws against rape, rape culture, etc. (this is known as abstinence-plus programs, for those who feel more comfortable burying their heads in the sand and pretending that if we don't talk about it, young adults won't have sex...excuse me while I go and roll around on the floor laughing my head off)

3) Widely available, affordable abortion care - including all insurance plans, Medicare and other government programs

4) Easily obtained late-term abortions for fetal abnormalities/fetal pain/death upon delivery or maternal health - if the woman wants one and it's indicated in some way, medically, I want her to be able to have one - and not have to jump through a thousand hoops

* Because of number 1-3 we shouldn't HAVE late term abortions for things like restrictions on time, wait limits, legal loopholes, etc. So if a woman finds out she's pregnant she doesn't have to jump through a million hoops to get an early abortion - it's available where she lives (not thousands of miles away) with a good doctor (preferable her family doctor or OB-GYN, but Planned Parenthood has some great doctors), and is covered by insurance/Medicare. And she can then get the affordable, highly reliable birth control if she wants it because she will know all about it thanks to #2.

This is a pipe-dream. It's very similar to what they have in a lot of countries in Europe (not that anti-choicers will acknowledge that when they start arguing that liberal Europe has some abortion bans). So before I get jumped on, just know, this is an unrealistic dream but one I hope will happen as more people THINK about things.

Not a lot of people (I can't think of any) really LIKE abortions. Especially late-term abortions. I, personally, really, really hate the idea. I've been pregnant twice. It's made me double down on my pro-choice stance, but it also made me extremely sensitive to what is happening during a pregnancy during the later stages. Most especially what medical science can do when an early delivery happens. If they can survive outside the womb (notice I didn't say, survive but then die a few minutes or hours later, in great pain because of a fetal anomaly), they deserve something. Some respect. Some kind of right to life. I'd actually prefer 24 weeks abortion bans because that's when micro-preemies have a better chance to live. Obviously, it needs to be up to a woman. She's the one who has to decide, based on the information. But I do believe that at a certain point in the pregnancy (and the Supreme Court backs me up) there is an interest in the fetus and its growing rights. (Growing rights - they aren't all conferred at once upon conception).

Unfortunately, I live in the U.S. where science is suspect and right-wing politicians somehow manage to keep winning at the polls. And without all those caveats I listed? - Well, I'm going to have to be "for" (if that's what we call it) very reluctantly, late term abortions for reasons that are NOT medical/science reasons.

What's sad is that I think most Americans might agree with me, if they had a chance to lay it all out on the table and write their own laws to be implemented. Somehow, we just keep getting screwed over.

My Mother-In-Law is Not a Monster...

I am going to make many people jealous when I write this post. But I have, a *gasp* NICE mother in law. She sends me cards and coupons for diapers nearly every week - meaning, she THINKS about me and how I always need coupons for diapers. She happily provides me with coffee and chocolate whenever we visit - which isn't often enough, since we live three states away.

I should really tell you - my own mother died when I was a teenager. I can't share my children's lives with her or ask her questions. But I am lucky enough to have a mother-in-law (and a stepmother), with whom I can share my children. We try to call them as much as possible. The kids send letters and drawings. I am happy to unload some of our artwork on the grandparents (and anyone who says they don't is lying!).

When my husband and I, fairly newly married, moved back to our home state, she welcomed us with open arms and we lived with our in-laws for a year. I was pregnant for almost half of that time. When I was pregnant, she provided me with whatever cravings I had - if she went to the store, I was sure to get a treat: a yogurt parfait. Apples (because OMG did I crave apples). Ice cream. Decaf coffee. Gummy bears. No matter what I made for dinner, it was delicious (I am not that good of a cook, believe me).

She was there at the hospital the day after I had my first baby. This was with our permission and blessing, because she very emphatically said she didn't want to "impose."She was the first person we visited after getting cabin fever with our newborn, and she made sure I sat down and rested while she held her new granddaughter.

Are you jealous yet?

If not, this next part might do it. When she talks with my husband, she tells him that I am a good mother! She says this with no bribery or inducements from her son. And when she writes me notes, she tells me I have beautiful children and I am doing a good job. My mother in law knows that people always blame the mother.

Kids acting up in the store - the mom clearly doesn't discipline them
Baby not sleeping through the night yet - well, the mom must be doing something wrong. Should have tried: acupuncture, chiropractic, not swaddling/swadding, rocking/not rocking....
Nursing stopped before 2: Why would you deprive your baby of all of those benefits?!
Still nursing your toddler: What is wrong with you? You need to cut them off before they become too dependent and are still nursing in graduate school!

And the big one for me...
Your 3 year old has a speech delay and isn't talking at the same developmental level as kids her age.
Well, you clearly did something wrong. You need to try.....

Not to my mother in law. To my mother in law, I am a GOOD mom. And it makes a world of difference to me to hear her say that. I can feel like the most rotten mother in the world, but I know just looking at one of her notes, or hearing her say that will help me rise to the occasion and try to be better. To be the mom she already thinks/knows, I am.

Thanks Mother in Law! You are rare indeed.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Labels

The other day, I read a blog post discussing labels and how the writer preferred that people didn't (or wouldn't) call her daughter shy.

You know what my first reaction was? Besides jealousy that her post was published and I can't seem to get any of mine written, let alone accepted.

WHY? What is wrong with shy? I was shy as a kid. I was polite, but I didn't warm up to people immediately. I am still that way today. Put me in a party where I know one person, and I will be the weird woman following her friend around or standing awkwardly near the snack table, trying to make conversation about carrots. According to the dictionary, shy means: "bashful, retiring, wary, timid, or reluctant." Why would it matter if someone is reluctant or wary around strangers? There is NOTHING wrong with that.

Now, I still feel the same way. I have a shy daughter. She is reserved around new people. She doesn't like loud people, or people who get up in her face (although, who does?) . And I don't want her to feel like that's a bad thing. It's OKAY to be a little timid. To not immediately be a part of things. It's okay to just be you and get the lay of the land before jumping in and talking or interacting with people. It is just fine to not be instant friends - or even pretend to be instant friends - with people you just met or haven't seen for awhile. I want her to be PROUD of herself, and that includes how she acts around others. As long as she is polite, even quietly, she is free to stay near me or others she is comfortable with and figure out the situation. To slowly warm up and go at things at her own pace.

She is wonderful just how she is and I don't care if you label her shy. She IS shy. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with that. This world is full of plenty of extroverted people. We need the shy people, the thinkers, the ones who are slow to warm up but when they do, they are your friends forever.


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Summer Kickoff

Readers, I have to be honest. I was dreading summer. To some extent, I still am - we tend to do better when we have a set schedule around here, and preschool was awesome in providing that. Plus, on Tuesday mornings I had plenty of time to myself to read or write or browse Target. I wouldn't be a SAHM if I didn't go to Target and find things I don't need but suddenly realize I want.

But yesterday, we hosted a small, last-minute, Memorial Day barbecue. Our next door neighbors (Cupcake's best friend) came over along with some friends who work with my husband and with whom we've had a lot of fun. We laughed. Drank a little wine. Had sliders and hot dogs and baked beans. Made homemade ice cream. The littles got a long - there was no Mineitis until the end of the evening. Sometimes, you don't even realize how much you miss connecting with people until you do it and it's all over. You realize you've been stuck changing diapers and worrying about school drop-offs and starting potty-training and getting all those things done (which probably *ahem* okay STILL haven't gotten done) and you've neglected to maybe take a breath and just talk and laugh with friends - to recharge the relaxation battery.

This morning, after the kids actually slept well. (Someday, perhaps I'll post about the sleeping or lack thereof we've dealt with, especially with Cupcake). They were happy. We were rested. And the weather is beautiful - not too hot. A wonderful breeze. I am sitting at the table, drinking coffee and watching Fruitman (the one year old) play outside with the bubble machine and then just stop in AWE of the grounds crew mowing the lawn in our back yard common area. He is enthralled. I walk out and have him sit on my lap, and he holds my hand and just watches. Cupcake (the 3 year old) is watching Clifford and still in her jammies and peeks her head out the door to watch (but not come out, because mowers are LOUD and she is not a fan of the loud unless of course, she's the one doing it).

Soon, I'll try to pack them in the car and go to the library and Target. Summer reading starts so we'll sign up. There will be some structure for lunch and quiet time. We'll still have baths every night, because it's summer and they'll be filthy from playing outside and being covered in sunscreen and dirt and grass. And there will be days with screaming and crying and tantrums. But maybe summer won't be so bad. Maybe, despite our lack of structure we'll still have a relaxed time. I think we all need it. I'll keep you posted.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Strawberries and Paychecks

As most people know, having children is EXPENSIVE. First, it's the gear: carseat, crib, stroller, carrier, diapers. Just FYI - I never had enough diapers or wipes, but I will never run out of tiny newborn blankets, despite the fact that I haven't had a newborn in over a year. So if you ever go to a baby shower two words of advice: 1) buy off the registry unless it's something special - like a homemade blanket they'll always have or 2) buy diapers in various sizes.

Later, those babies grow into toddlers who apparently need all. the. toys. And have to eat. We go through pounds of fruit in a week. I am not exaggerating. Between both my toddlers we can go through a quart of strawberries in about fifteen minutes. We buy bananas every week, sometimes more.

And now, we have preschool. And camps. And fun activities that cost money. Usually not extremely expensive activities, but it adds up. For a SAHM, it tends to leave you feeling guilty. You want to balance the activities with fun time at home (including t.v. time - shout out to Elmo!) but you also know you're not really contributing financially to the household. Unless you count Target runs with the Cartwheel app to save money.

So, I embarked on a job search. I don't want to put my kids in daycare. Soon enough my oldest will be in kindergarten every day. My youngest will be in preschool. So I will be able to swing a part-time gig soon. But soon doesn't help pay for swimming classes or strawberries. So I wanted to find something I could do during nap times and in the evening. Something online, from home. I considered writing, but for that I'd need time to build up a portfolio (well, I've started one, it'll just take longer). I am also working on a couple of novels (because someday I hope to be as wealthy as J.K. Rowling based on doing something awesome like getting published. I'm a dreamer). So I've applied for all sorts of things - data entry. Surveys. Online essay reading. So far, I have yet to hear back from any of these, but I'm really hoping it will come through very soon.

But it's so difficult to tell what is legitimate (and will actually pay you something that will really help out) and what is a scam. There are so many of those - pay a fee and you'll earn $30,000 a month with our proven program. Readers, you've seen these I'm sure. I have high hopes - I'm reliable, I can type extremely fast, I want to help out at home financially. Being a SAHM is rewarding in many ways, but no one pays you to raise the next generation! So wish me luck and hope something comes through. And if you are interested, I have some links that might help you out on your own search.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Welcome

Welcome to Hagus and Lightbulbs, a blog on everything I can think of that might be interesting to write and comment about. A little information about me: I am a stay at home mom to a little girl (3) and a little boy (1). In a prior life, I worked as a youth services librarian. I am a cupcake addict, a planner, and drink too much coffee. I read too much of everything, post too much on Facebook, and dream too much about Pinterest projects I will never try.