What a SAHM Contributes

I think there has been a lot of articles, and blog posts, and Facebook statuses, and memes going around that does a better job than I will of saying exactly what being a stay-at-home-mom means. One of my favorites floats around and gets republished occasionally, usually around Mother's Day.



I look it up almost once a week. Because, you see, unless something has a dollar symbol on it, I don't think it is really appreciated in our society by the majority of people. Except as lip-service. I was talking with some close friends of mine today, after I did something that was a totally stupid accident but that cost my family quite a bit of money. Which we don't really have. And naturally, it set off those feelings that I am sure all moms have, but especially stay at home moms, the ones that don't 'contribute' to the family in the same way someone who has a salary does. Guilt is a powerful force. Every parent struggles with it in some form or another: Did I do enough? Too much? Help enough? Help too much? Am I working hard enough at work? At home? etc. Life is hard to balance and adding kids just ups the ante. Anyway, when you start to fall down the rabbit hole of guilt, it is helpful to also climb back up by taking stock on what you actually contribute. It is helpful to see that when you do an art project with your kid, you are a preschool teacher. When you are doing laundry, dusting, doing dishes, you are a housekeeper. This morning you drove you kids to preschool and the doctor? Chauffeur. Putting up pictures, folding cozy blankets, organizing that cupboard? You are an interior decorator, professional organizer - you are making a house a HOME. That is important to children. It is important to society. I don't want to sound like a Victorian here, but a cozy and comfortable home is important for people to have, because the 'real' world is scary, and hard, and extremely not fun to deal with at times. Failing is easy but getting up and trying again and again is hard. And parenting is just one great, big chance at failure. At actually failing - to be 'enough' for your family, if you outside the home, or if you stay at home- and then getting up and saying, 'I'll try to do better today.'

After I screwed up, I apologized. This morning, I very carefully took off band-aids stuck on my daughter's stuffed animals. And in return, I got a big hug and a gushing "Oh, THANK YOU, Mommy!" It took rubbing alcohol and a few minutes of my time, but it meant something to my daughter. When I make them puffy paint and sit and talk with them or even paint with them, I am not being lazy. I am being THERE, to hear them talk about their days, their colors, and even just life. That, right there...being in the moment, whatever it is, with your kids, is enough to fight off any guilt you feel, is proof that you are contributing and are important. It doesn't take a dollar sign to show value. It just takes you being their mom or dad.

Own It!

This might come off as a judgmental post and I really, really don't want to be a sanctimommy. But can we please stop talking about kids as picky eaters? I know that there are some kids out there that are truly picky - mainly because of sensory problems or feeding issues/medical issues, nutritional needs, or allergies. But kids in this country (I'm in the United States) are horrible eaters because we, the parents, LET THEM.

You know all those articles and posts about things "I said I'd never do and then did?" Most parents have them. There are some that are impossible to avoid (tantrums in public, for example). But a lot of them are the result of parents caving in, for whatever reason. And catering to 'picky' eating is one of them. Your kids won't be able to eat crap food if you don't provide it. Simple. As. That.

And yes, I know how judgmental that sounds. I am not saying that kids don't have preferences - every person does. I, personally, gag at the texture of raw oysters. Just thinking about it, right now, makes me have to fight off a gag reflex. I feel the same way about the smell of Pepto-Bismol (which I realize is, technically, not food). I am also not saying that you can't keep your kids' preferences in mind when cooking dinner. But only eating three foods, two of which involve sugar of some kind (and yes, I recently heard of a kid who would only eat three foods) is not a preference for most kids - it's an exercise in control and seeing just how far you'll let them go.

My kids are great eaters, with the 2 year old being better than the 4 year old (I blame peer pressure from preschool. When you hear other kids saying that broccoli is gross, it's hard not to suddenly hate broccoli). The 4 year old has preferences - she prefers raw carrots to cooked, pasta and bread to meat of any kind, and peas over broccoli. We still cook carrots, have chicken, and eat broccoli. Back when my husband and I were talking about these things, we agreed on a few overall guidelines. In my opinion, for MOST kids (again, not those with allergies, or sensory issues, or feeding issues, or anything of that nature), these guidelines will work. And it will cut down on the whole problem of "my kid will only eat....what do I do?"

1. They eat what you eat. None of that specially packaged or printed 'kids' foods. When we go to a restaurant, we get two entrees and they share ours. We allow the 4 year old to pick her own, if she wants to, and she often wants french fries with her meal. We're good with that, since it's a special occasion to eat out. When we are at home, they eat (or refuse to eat) what we make. If they try it and don't like it, they are allowed some form of fruit - a banana was the choice last night because 4 didn't like the lentils with caramelized onions.

2. We don't eat fast food. I can honestly count on both hands the times my kids have ever eaten fast food. Those times are usually because we are on a road trip. They don't like fast food, even the french fries at McDonald's (for the most part, sometimes they will eat them). We stop at McDonald's to let them play at the playplace and let off some steam. We do the same at Chick-Fil-A. As a result, they don't beg for McDonald's. We don't pass a McD's and have screaming fits because we aren't eating there. They don't request it. And yes, we BRAG about this, because we think it's awesome. Plus, we don't have to deal with extra tantrums. It's a win-win-win: better health, better palates, and fewer tantrums.

3. We don't do the short-order cook thing. We have dinner planned and cooked and they either eat it, or they choose not to. We encourage them to try things: the one bite rule. If they choose not to eat, we then choose an alternative (fruit, or a veggie usually) only if we think they're especially hungry (after gymnastics for my four year old, or a day at the park for both). We don't cook a special meal of pasta just for them (unless my husband and I are eating later on for a 'date night.' In which case, they get pasta as their dinner, and aren't allowed to eat another meal).

4. We don't allow a ton of snacking. They get snacks - even unhealthy ones (donuts are a favorite) but constant grazing isn't allowed. If they aren't constantly eating, it's far more likely they will actually eat dinner of some form - even if all they do is eat the rice we made with the chicken. We don't harp on this, and we don't bribe.

5. We don't do dessert. There is no "if you eat...., then you get..." at our house (no bribery - #4). This means that they don't look at a healthy meal as somehow worse than dessert - the thing you have to force down before getting the good thing. We also rarely allow candy - no hard candy of any kind before the age of 3 (it's bad for teeth, unhealthy, and a choking hazard). They get some candy in Easter baskets, Christmas stockings, from grandparents - who have carte blanche with spoiling with very few hard and fast rules (see #6 and no hard candy) and as bribery during potty training (didn't work because my 4 year old doesn't especially like chocolate - she takes after her father in that way unfortunately).

6. They drink water or milk. No juice. No soda. No energy drinks (I shake my head at adults using these, but that's my personal opinion). No coffee or frappuccinos - yes, there are people who allow their young children this! We only recently started allowing our oldest to have hot chocolate.

We decided before they were born that they were going to have healthy food. We wanted to teach them moderation, healthy eating habits, and to like a variety of things. To some, this is strict. I know of one of my friends that thinks I'm slightly crazy. But I think we've come up with a really good balance - I don't ban sugar or baked goods (my kids love to make cookies and cupcakes), we aren't strict vegans or do paleo or anything like that, and while we have to contend with SOME picky eating habits (my daughter has recently started saying "Yuck", to anything we set in front of her, but that's really more of a manners issue, they are usually nipped in the bud because we don't cater to them. If my four year old doesn't want to eat dinner, I know she's not starving and I can relax. I know she'll eat a good breakfast, have a healthy snack the next morning, or eat a good lunch. We don't allow crappy foods in the house, so she can't ask for them which means I don't have to worry about what she chooses. The rules are clear - and four year olds LOVE rules.

Saying no is possible. Starting it early means they may not like it, but it's always been that way and they know no other way. We aren't perfect, but it's possible to have healthy eaters, even ones that have their own preferences, if you are consistent. This goes for so many other things when it comes to kids. And it's why, if your kid is a picky eater, and not one because they have a sensory issue or a medical issues, you need to own up to the possibility that it's because you allowed them to be, and either change something, or embrace it. Parents can't be perfect after all.