A Real Job

I have a dilemma; a really guilty feeling. The feeling that I am not contributing enough - to my husband, to my family, to society in general. I don't know if other stay-at-home moms feel like this, but I know that I do. And it's been right under my skin for months now. Little comments get to me and start me to wonder exactly how people look at me, what they see and think. Not strangers either - friends, family members, acquaintances.

It's not something I've been bringing up, just something I've been thinking about. Constantly. It's like a buzzing in my ears - I always know it's there, even when I manage to forget about it. Every day, I wonder if I am doing enough. Not for my kids, exactly, although I'm sure I'm NOT doing enough. No, this is a generalized feeling that people think I am not contributing. Not pulling my weight. Not feeling grateful for what others (my husband mostly) are providing TO ME.
I hear comments like,

"Do you think she'll stay home after she has kids? I hope not, what a waste of intelligence." 
"Do you know how rare it is that you are staying at home?"
 "Do you work?"
"I'm so jealous. I wish I could stay at home."

These are innocent. They aren't directed specifically at me, or at least, not in a vicious way - they are just comments. Conversations. Things that we bring up when we talk about parental leave, and salaries, and working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, and politics, and parenting. And yet....

I DO work. It's just not called that, is it?  But am I working hard enough to justify me staying at home to raise my kids. Am I being a good enough mother that society will accept that, yes, staying home was the best decision. Think about those words. Stay-at-home. As though you have decided that you will let someone else, a sugar daddy, (is that still the term?) do all the hard work of earning a salary while you sleep in, eat bon bons, watch tv, NOT WORK. As though being the one to do the day-to-day raising of kids, and the day-to-day cleaning and shopping and any of the other little things that add up in a home, in a family - the stuff that daycare workers and maids and chefs are PAID to do (and not enough, especially the daycare workers and maids!) isn't real work. Isn't really a contribution. Is just staying at home. How much do you have to do at home for it to be a real contribution? If your husband helps you out a ton, does that mean you're not doing enough? That you aren't pulling your weight? If he lets you have alone time, or does the dishes, or cooks most of the meal, does that mean you are being lazy? Not being grateful? These are my thoughts.

This feels like a stream of consciousness, because it is. I don't know exactly where I'm going with this post. Am I ungrateful when I complain about having a hard day? Because I don't work, you see, and so how hard could it have been? Am I allowed to be stressed? To just want a break. I chose stay at home, didn't I? There are certain things wrong with that statement now, but yes, in the beginning I did choose to stay home.

Did I waste my education, am I wasting all the time and effort that went into getting two master's degrees? What will I do later, when the kids don't need me so much. I PLAN on getting a job later on but it's important to me to be at home. I have my reasons and they are only mine, based on my life and my kids and my choices. But are they ENOUGH?!

I really don't want to start a mommy war. Working at outside jobs (and what a clumsy statement, right?) moms are heroes to me for a whole host of reasons. I don't think they're shirking their parenting role or have an easier time of the whole parenting thing. These are just thoughts I keep having...call it insecurity, or guilt. And I have no answers. None at all. I just want the worries and thoughts to stop.